This is How it Always Is

I'm not sure if it's the kind of novels that I read for Library Journal, the current state of our politics, or a combination of both, but I realized how jaded I've become when, a quarter of the way through this lovely, uplifting novel, I told my friend Don that it wasn't believable to me. The family is just too wonderful. How sad is that?

Laurie Frankel's "This Is How it Always Is" ventures into territory that's apparently unfamiliar to many people based upon the reactions of our library's book group which met earlier today to discuss it. As I mentioned in my last post regarding "Frankissstein," gender dysphoria, gender fluidity, or questions of sexual identity fascinate me. My own step-family spent years helping a daughter transition to a man. It is hard work but with love and encouragement it can result in celebration. 

Rosie, an ER physician, and Penn, a stay at home dad and budding novelist, have an enviable marriage. They are friends, they talk to and fully support each other and their family of five boys. Rosie always wanted at least one girl, so when her toddler, Claude, shows a preference for tutus and fairy wings over balls and bats, she feels no need to worry. But when Claude comes down the stairs dressed for his first day of school in, well, a dress, Penn and Rosie realize that they may have been naïve about the hurdles they are about to face.

There is so much to learn here and Frankel, who is mom to a transgender child herself, does an exquisite job of teaching readers without being pedantic. She doesn't shy away from the fact that parenting a child who feels that he or she is in the wrong skin affects the entire family. Siblings may be supportive to a point but communication is key and secrets will ultimately be destructive. 

After a terrifying confrontation with an armed bigot, Rosie and Penn make the difficult decision to relocate to Seattle where they believe they can start fresh, where Claude, now a girl named Poppy, can be accepted for who she is. The move and the subterfuge take a terrific toll on the boys, especially Roo, who was a standout student, athlete, and leader at his previous school. His reaction forces readers to question just how much the needs of one sibling should supercede the needs of the family unit as a whole. It's a legitimate question and made for some interesting discussion, with some of us believing it was unfair and others remarking that families often make long term decisions based upon the needs of one member over the needs of another.

Then, in a diversionary chapter I did not see coming, Rosie agrees to her firm's insistence that she participate in their outreach program in Thailand. Poppy, doubting her own future as a girl, travels with her mom to the remote medical outpost where she is charged with teaching English to the little ones. In this land of the Buddha, sexual identity is unquestioned and Poppy is finally able to see a way forward. 

I enjoyed this novel for so many reasons. It made my heart expand with love for this flawed but devoted family. It reminded me of the phenomenal variations of humanity, of the enormous capacity we have to not just "accept" or worse, "tolerate" differences but to embrace the entire spectrum of creation. If you are feeling jaded by the world we inhabit and are in need of a jolt of the possible then this is a book I can absolutely recommend.